The Cartographer's Confession
#I have been drawing maps of a country I've never visited.
Every morning at 4 AM, before my family wakes, I sit at the drafting table and ink another river, another ridge, another town called something like Vessara or Kelmuth — names that arrive in my mouth the way dreams do, fully formed and inexplicable.
The country is landlocked. I decided this early. It has a mountain range along its northern border shaped like a closing hand, and a forest in the south so dense I've had to invent a new symbol for it — not the usual small circles clustered on a line, but something tighter, more suffocating. A knot.
My wife found the maps once. She held one up to the window light and said, "This is beautiful. Where is it?"
I said, "Nowhere."
She put it down too gently, the way you set down something that concerns you.
Here is what I haven't told anyone: the maps are getting more accurate. I don't mean more detailed — I mean accurate, as if I'm correcting errors rather than making choices. Last Tuesday I drew a tributary feeding the eastern river and my hand refused a left turn. The water went right. It needed to go right. I could feel the elevation was wrong for anything else.
There is a city at the center of the country that I've been avoiding. I've drawn roads that lead to it, rail lines, even a notation for an airport — but the city itself remains a blank space on every map.
I'm afraid that when I finally draw it, I'll recognize it.
I'm afraid I'll see my own street, my own house, the drafting table, the light on at 4 AM, and a man inside making maps of the only place he's ever been.