The Cartographer's Confession
#I have been drawing maps of a country I've never visited.
Each morning I wake and ink another river, another ridge of mountains with shadows falling east. I name the towns after sounds my daughter made before she learned real words — Babbum on the coast, Odalee in the foothills, Nana where two rivers meet and go quiet.
The work is meticulous. I measure nothing. I project no coordinates. The scale is whatever my hand decides, so that some days a fingernail covers a thousand miles of tundra and other days I spend an hour on a single street where a baker pulls bread from an oven and the steam rises in a language I almost understand.
My wife asks who commissions these maps. I tell her everyone who has ever been lost, which is everyone. She does not find this funny. She points out that no one has purchased a single one. I point out that no one has arrived at the country yet. We are both right, standing in our kitchen, the coffee growing cold between us like a small dark lake I have not yet charted.
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking this is metaphor — that the country is memory, or longing, or the future, or the self.
But last Tuesday I drew a forest of white-barked trees and my pen stopped at a clearing and I swear I heard wind. Not the wind outside my window. A different wind. One that had traveled across the grasslands of Odalee and carried the smell of bread from that street I'd drawn and something else — snow, maybe, from mountains I hadn't yet named.
I am telling you: the country is real.
I just haven't found the door in the map that opens.