The Cartographer's Confession
#I have been drawing maps of a country that does not exist.
Every morning at 4 AM, before my wife stirs, before the dog scratches at the bedroom door, I descend to the basement and unfurl the paper across the ping-pong table we never use for ping-pong. I ink coastlines with a steadiness my hands no longer possess for anything else. I name the rivers after sounds — Shushing, Thennel, Orm.
It started as therapy after the diagnosis. "Find a creative outlet," Dr. Lenz said, meaning watercolors, meaning a journal with a little lock. Not this. Not a nation-state with provisional trade agreements and a failed monarchy and a mountain range called the Ache.
The capital city sits in a valley I've mapped so precisely I know which streets flood in spring. I know the bakery on Vell Street where the owner leaves day-old bread on the windowsill. I know the sound the cathedral bell makes — not a ring but a hum, because I decided the bell cracked in 1883 and they never replaced it. They grew to love the wrongness of it.
My wife found the maps last Tuesday. She stood at the bottom of the stairs in her robe, arms crossed, and I waited for the question that would make it small — what is this, why are you doing this, should I call Dr. Lenz.
Instead she walked to the table. Traced the coastline with one finger.
"Where's the cemetery?" she asked.
I said there wasn't one yet.
"Every place needs a cemetery," she said.
She pulled up a chair. She picked up a pen. She began to draw a small plot of land on the eastern hill, where I had already noted the soil was soft and the wildflowers were relentless.
We worked until morning.